Most people marry the wrong person for the wrong reasons and spend the rest of their lives telling themselves how right they were. Some end up seeing the light and separate while others go fully into the darkness as they head down the aisle, eyes not wide shut but horrifyingly clear sighted and aware of the incredible mistake they are making as it happens.
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I find myself at that awkward age where friends I saw get married are now getting divorced, friends who should get divorced are desperately fighting to stay married, and the rest are either panic-proposing or considering downloading Hinge for the seventh time pretending this round will be different. Since I'm in the grown-up position of not offering my opinions on anyone's spouses and you can usually find me at the buffet line or in a corner eating (I am so serious when I say most photos of me at events involve food, I am an equal opportunity eater), I've had extensive time to observe this whole tragicomedy while feasting on canapés and champagne. Which is why I have some thoughts.
I make no claims at being an expert. God knows I've destroyed enough relationships or potential along the way. But I've built this theory from observation and discussion with others, and I think it holds up to scrutiny. It's certainly not popular nor the fun way to do it, but that's also because most people don't want to think about who the person sleeping next to them is going to be when they get the worst phone call of their lives.
From what I've observed, most people marry out of three impulses:
They have met someone who meets certain checkboxes at a certain time in their life.
They feel pressure from society, family, social circles, the media, gossipy aunts, gross uncles, whatever, and they meet someone with which they can settle to remedy that ache.
They are just plain afraid to be alone.
Sometimes it can be all three at once really, a perfect storm of bad reasoning dressed up in white and in blooming flowers with church hall music streaming in. But here is the problem - the person you meet today may not be the person you are with in a few years, much less in 5, 10, 15, or 20 - and the person you are expecting to grow or to change may surprise you along the way in ways good, bad, and ugly. What is in front of you and what is possible is not a guarantee of someone's character when the going gets tough.
As for reasons 2 and 3, well, I'll gloss over them, but it is fairly obvious - you have a problem, you think this is a solution because you come across another person, but actually, this is a horrible way to go about it. Do you remember group projects in school when you were assigned a mandatory partner to find? Sometimes it worked if you ended up clicking, but most of the time, it was not enjoyable nor an experience worth repeating. But you did it only because you thought you had to because of an authority, right? Same applies here.
As for people who can't be alone, well, I'll spare them the indignity of being told there's only so much running one can do - and how painful it must be to be someone in a relationship but lonelier than ever before.
You are probably marrying the wrong person. You may have married the wrong person already. Let me back up.
The person you want to marry is not the person in front of you today. It is not the person they will be tomorrow. It is not the person who is the smartest or hottest or wealthiest or whatever-liest. It is not about their potential, it is not about their possibility, it is not about their psychology even. It is not about who they are, what they do, or where they are going. Those are all elements to consider along with the broader decision. They are not the finalizing factors that make or break a lifetime's commitment.
The person you should marry is the 2am person. You know what I mean when I say 2am, but in case it isn't clear, let me cut to the chase: I want you to imagine the worst possible phone call you will ever get in your life. That is the 2am call.
That's the moment you pick up the phone, you hear something said to you, and there's your life before and your life after the call. That is your 2am moment. Now I want you to think about who is going to support you through what happens after you get that phone call.
Your 2am person is the person you marry. Your 2am person is the person who will be your partner, who understands high highs and low lows and everything in between, the person who at 2am has your back even if you weren't the best person you could be in that moment (which is, of course, a nuanced thing and not something that gives anyone a carte blanche to do whatever they want however. My point is the 2am person will be the person who sits with you or deals with it to support you instead of making it a burden or worse in the ways and forms that takes on specific to you.)
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